Self Loathing
by Merci
Summary: Lance x Todd - Todd is depressed, Lance makes him happy. Warning for some angst.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer:** Freddie and Todd do not belong to me.  In fact, NON of the characters belong to me! The song "How soon is now?" does not belong to me either (it belongs to The Smiths).   Jeez, you'd think I own nothing... well, I do own nothing.  (Translation:  If you sue, you'll GET nothing)

**Warning:** I've reverted to my angsty ways! You have been warned!

**A/N:** This song has been in my head the past few days and then it occurred to me "Todd belongs with this song!!" so I whipped this up. Hope you like, please review this to let me know what you think. I have a 2nd chapter in my head where I resolve all the angst with a little slashy/yaoi action. hmmm, Kurt anyone? (I'm a sucker for happy endings. but THIS songfic contains NO happy endings)

"Spoken out loud words"

'Thoughts'

_Song lyrics are in italics_

On with the show.

Self Loathing

_I am the son_  
_And the heir_  
_Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar_  
_I am the son and heir_  
_Of nothing in particular_

Todd Tolensky looked into the mirror. An image that he was all too familiar with peered back at him through the glass. He grimaced with disgust and turned away from the image, placing a webbed hand over the reflection. Who could possibly want to be with him? He was so useless. Everything about him. he lacked any measure of confidence to stand up for himself or do anything.

_You shut your mouth_  
_How can you say_  
_I go about things the wrong way?_  
_I am Human and I need to be loved_  
_Just like everybody else does_

Todd fought the rush of memories of the events a few moments prior.

Todd was awkwardly trying to go unnoticed in the corner of the gym.  
"Hey, Toady Tolensky! What are you doing here?" Duncan Matthews voice had caught him off guard.  
"What would a disgusting little slime ball like you be doing at a school dance?"

Todd had just looked at them, unable to come up with a reply. He knew that anything he said would have been ineffective in making them leave him alone. So he just stood there, waiting for it to be over.

"Yeah Toad," Duncan's friends had started to join in the 'fun', gaining confidence in themselves with every criticizing blow they delivered to the smaller boy.   
"It's no like any girls would want to dance with you! Not if we're here!" He gestured to his jock buddies and they had all laughed at this 'smart' joke. Todd had groaned inwardly and wished that they would just leave. These words were not new to him; he had heard them before, far too many times in his life.

The lanky boy pulled himself from his memories of the encounter that had happened only 15 minutes prior. He removed his hand away from the mirror to look back at his reflection. "I know I'm nothing special," he said to himself. A sad look came to his eyes, "But does that mean that I can't be happy?"

_I am the son_  
_And the heir_  
_Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar_  
_I am the son and the heir_  
_Oh, of nothing in particular_

_You shut your mouth_  
_How can you say_  
_I go about things the wrong way?_  
_I am Human and I need to be loved_  
_Just like everybody else does_

_There's a club, if you'd like to go_  
_You could meet somebody who really loves you_

Todd exited the bathroom and returned to his place at the dance. in the corner. He watched as happy couples were holding each other close as they swayed to the slow playing music. 

Soft green eyes surveyed the crowd. There was a group of girls further down the bleachers, giggling with each other. Todd recognized one of them as Nat, a girl who was in his geography class. 'Maybe.' he thought. 'Maybe, she would dance with me.' The young boy tried to think of something that he could say to her. Anything that would make her give him a chance. A few long moments passed and he sighed in defeat. "Aw, what's the use, yo!" He scolded himself. 'Even if you could think of something to say, you don't have the guts to ask her!' 

Todd surveyed the dance floor once again. He spotted Lance further over across the gym. He was dancing with Kittie, holding her close. They both had the most contented smiles on their faces, their eyes were closed as they swayed in each other's arms, oblivious to all those around them. 

Lance had been the one who had brought him here, claiming that it would be fun. 'Yeah right.' Todd wondered, 'Fun for who?' 

_So you go, and you stand on your own_  
_And you leave on your own_

Eyes drifted back to Nat. 'Like she'd want me anyways.' Todd could feel tears brimming in his eyes. He took a deep breath, trying to control the flood of emotions. "I'm outta here, yo." A voice on the verge of breaking declared to itself.

_And you leave on your own_  
_And you go home, and you cry_  
_And you want to die_

The walk home from the dance wasn't that long, and Todd was too wrapped up in his own sorrow to notice if it was long or not. He managed to get in the front door of the boarding house without losing control of his emotions. Freddie was watching TV and barely acknowledged his arrival. Pietro was nowhere to be seen. Todd ran up the stairs to his room, closing the door behind him. He leaned heavily against it as tears began to stream down his face. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. 'They're right.' He thought, burying his face in his hands. 'They're right. How could anybody ever love me? If they don't feel contempt for me, then they feel pity.'

_Whey you say it's gonna happen "now"_  
_Well, what exactly do you mean?_  
_See I've already waited too long_  
_And all my hope is gone_

He pulled his hands away from his tear-streaked face and looked accusingly towards the small mirror that hung on his wall. A sullen figure stared back at him angrily. He stormed over to the offending reflection. 

"What are you looking at?!" He screamed. "Why don't you do everybody a favour and leave! How could anybody like you? Even ~I~ don't like you!"   
Todd's voice cracked with rage, tears running freely down his reddened face. "I don't like you!" He repeated, bringing his fists down on the reflective glass, breaking it.   
"Don't like you! Don't like you! Don't like you!" He began screaming this mantra, emphasizing each word with another blow to the already smashed glass. Todd slumped to the floor; his sobs wracked his frail body as he held bloodied hands to his head.

_See I've already waited too long_  
_And all my hope is gone_

Some time later the small figure pulled himself off the floor and onto his bed. He held himself tightly, trying to will himself to sleep. Duncan's words still fresh in his mind as he drifted off into oblivion.

_You shut your mouth_  
_How can you say_  
_I go about things the wrong way?_  
_I am human and I need to be loved_  
_Just like everybody else does_

*****

Please let me know what you think. Dodo-Dodo 


	2. lance

**Disclaimer:  I don't own anything, least of all the characters in this story (nor do I own the Bow-Flex.  Whee!)**

Warning:  This is Slash.  Boy/boy love.  You don't like?  Don't read.  I cann't make it any clearer than that.

**Thanks go out to Lu Baihu for being kind enough to beta this thing for me!**

**There is a bit of meanness to Kitty in this chapter, but that will be remedied in the near future.**

**NOTE:  In order to understand this chapter, you might wish to read the first one.  This starts up with Lance and Kitty at the dance where Todd left them.**

**"Spoken Aloud"**

_'Thoughts'_

Self Loathing:  Part 2

Lance sighed.  The music was over, which meant that it was time to open his eyes, although he was not looking forward to seeing the person in front of him.  

Kitty had accosted him the moment he had set foot in the door.  He had reluctantly left Todd to his own devices while Kitty had dragged him out on to the crowded dance floor.   

He had brought Todd to the school dance to help lift his spirits.  The youngest of the Brotherhood had been down lately and Lance had thought a night out might be fun for the both of them.  Unfortunately, Lance was only able to catch glimpses of his friend here or there throughout the last hour.  Some fun.

The few times that he had been able to see Todd, the green-eyed youth was looking more miserable than he had been all week.  This was not the way that it was supposed to be.  Todd was supposed to be happy, and Lance wanted to be the one to make his friend happy.

_'Todd….'_ Lance groaned inwardly.  _'I'm such an idiot.  Why the hell did I let Kitty drag me off?  What was I thinking, leaving just to be with Kitty.'_  (A/N:  I won't mention how this is the SECOND time that Lance has left.  BAD Lance!)

Lance opened his eyes and looked down to see Kitty who was gazing up at him expectantly.  A smile was playing upon her delicate mouth.  She batted her eyes and leaned in closer to the taller boy, tilting her head back invitingly.  A gesture that, while appealing to most people, went ignored by Lance.  He was busy scanning the crowd of people.  Trying, unsuccessfully, to locate his friend.

"Like, who are you looking for, Lance?"  Kitty asked, confused.  She was pretty sure that Lance was interested in her.  Shouldn't he want to kiss her?

"Todd."  Lance replied shortly, concern lining his face as he continued to look.  He couldn't see the short mutant anywhere, although he had seen Duncan and co. patrolling the crowd, perhaps they had…

"Todd?"  Kitty interrupted his thoughts.  "Why would that slime ball be here?"  Distaste for the youngest brotherhood member evident in her tone.

"Because I invited him!"  Lance snapped, annoyed with her questions.  He didn't much care for her attitude towards his friend either.  "He's been down lately and I thought that this might cheer him up."  He added as an afterthought before turning from her to look by the bleachers.

"Yeah, like, I'm so sure he's having the time of his life, Lance.  You've been ignoring him all evening!"

Lance turned back to her, trying to control his temper.  "Hey, you're the one that absolutely HAD to show me off to your little friends, Kitty.  You haven't left me alone for five minutes to talk to him."  He took a step towards her, anger burning in his eyes.  "Listen, next time you want to hang around me, don't.  You're a waste of my time!"

Kitty backed away.  She had never before seen Lance so angry.  His fists were clenched at his sides and he was shaking visibly.  

"Like, what's your problem, Lance?"  She asked nervously.   "Why do you care so much?"

The ground started trembling as he started to lose control of his temper.   "I care."  He stated plainly.  "Which is more than I can say that I've ever felt for you."  Lance took a step back and tried calming himself down a notch, stopping the tremors.  He looked at the stunned freshman once more before turning on his heel and walking towards the doors.  As an afterthought, he paused and looked over his shoulder.  "Later, Pryde!"  He called to her before continuing on his way.  Lance didn't even acknowledge the scene Kitty caused when she sank to the floor in a fit of sobs, drawing the attention of all those around her.  There were more important things on his mind, like where Todd was.  

Lance made a brief sweep of the school, already knowing that Todd had probably left.  He was angry.  Angry at Kitty for dragging him away, and at himself for letting it happen.  Sure, Kitty was cute, but he knew that he could never fall in love with her.  He wanted someone he could trust, with all of his secrets as well as his life.  Somehow, he didn't think that he could trust his enemy with his life.  Now was the time to focus on the people that were more important to him, like family.

Lance arrived home shortly after 10.  Freddie was on the couch, unmoved from where Lance and Todd had left him, 3 hours earlier.  Only now Pietro and Tabitha were on the couch with him, watching infomercials.  Tabitha had a bowl of popcorn on her lap, which everyone was helping themselves to, as they watched the wonders of the Bow-Flex being demonstrated on the screen.  Lance shook his head in disbelief.  How they could enjoy watching infomercials was beyond him.  (A/N:  Infomercials are addictive!)

"You guys seen Todd?"  Lance asked, leaning against the entrance of the TV room.

"Yeah, in his room."  Freddie informed him, not even peeling his eyes from the screen.

"He was yelling earlier."  Tabitha added, as she reached for a handful of popcorn.

Lance started up the stairs.  _'Who could he be yelling at?'_ he wondered as he approached Todd's door.  He could hear no sounds coming from the other side.

He knocked.  "Todd?"  Lance asked through the door.  No reply.

Opening the door a crack he peeked into the tiny room.  "Todd?  Are you in there?"  

He caught sight of a sleeping form, illuminated by the moonlight that poured in through a window above the bed.  

Lance entered the room and closed the door behind him.  He crept over the uneven floorboards, trying not to wake the sleeping boy.  Approaching the bed he studied its occupant.  Todd lay on his side, mouth open slightly, breathing shallow.  The blankets were loosely thrown over his body.

Lance couldn't help but smile at this sight.  For all of Todd's efforts to be tough and strong, his fragile, almost childlike nature was most apparent while he slept.  Lance sighed contentedly.  He liked Todd much more than Kitty.

Trying his best not to wake his friend, Lance moved to tuck the blankets closer around the sleeping form.  Todd frowned in his sleep and shifted onto his stomach, bringing his hand up to rest beside his head.  

Lance gasped at what he saw.  Todd's had was caked with dried blood.  He put a hand on Todd's shoulder and began shaking the boy awake.

"Todd, wake up!  What the fuck is this man?"  He demanded, grasping the boy's wrist and pulling it closer to the window to get a better view of the damage.

Todd was pulled along to the window, waking him in the process.  He looked at Lance hazily, not knowing what was going on.  The older boy was visibly upset, and he was gripping his arm tightly, inspecting it.  

Then he remembered.  The dance, Duncan, how pathetic his life was.  The feeling of self-loathing washed over him in sickening waves.  He looked back to Lance who was still causing a scene over his wrist.  He hadn't tried to kill himself, but Lance was acting as if he had.  This made him angry.  "What do you care, yo?"  He demanded, pulling his arm away and moving further to the opposite side of the bed.  Lance hadn't seemed to care earlier that evening, what had changed?

Lance sat down opposite Todd, looking serious.  "Of course I care."  He started.  "We're family, and you're my friend."  He realized how true the words were to him once he vocalized them, and he began to realize how much he really cared.  

Todd was unmoved.  "That shit sounded like it was ripped from a bad after-school special, yo!  You care so much that you ditched me to hang with your 'Pretty Kitty!'"  Todd spat these words with as much contempt as he could. 

He sat there, waiting for Lance to say something, but silence greeted his ears.  After a few minutes the silence grew uncomfortable and Todd looked at Lance; a pleading look now filled his gaze.  

"I saw you two dancing…  you were happy, yo!  What're you doin' here when you could be with her?"  He was trying to be strong, but his resolve was starting to crumble.  

"You should have stayed with her, yo.  Then somebody could be happy."  He looked away quickly as the tears he was fighting started to fall again.  He didn't like anybody seeing him cry, but couldn't help it.  He buried his face in his hands, a feeble attempt to hide the truth.

Lance didn't know what to say to comfort his, now sobbing, friend.  Todd was hurting, and in the moonlight Lance cold see tears slip from underneath webbed hands onto the bed.

Wordlessly Lance reached out to put his hand on a quivering shoulder.  When Todd didn't flinch away, Lance became bolder and pulled him into a strong embrace.  He wrapped his arms around the light frame and held it tightly.  He closed his eyes as he pressed his face into sandy brown hair, sighing slightly and breathing in the scent of strawberry shampoo.  

Todd didn't know what to do.  Not in all of his memories of his life had anybody held him like this.  _'So this is what it's like to be cared for.'_  He wondered, as he leaned into Lance, wrapping his arms around the slender waist, savouring the warmth that the other body provided.

"Uh, y'know…" Lance started after a few moments of silence.  "I kinda wasn't all that happy with Kitty tonight."  He looked down to Todd to see the other boy's reaction.  

Lance loosened his grip as Todd, curiosity piqued, leaned back to look at him.   He took a deep breath, unsure of how to continue.  _'Damn this is hard.'_

"But, uh, y'know sitting here…. like this," he confessed.  "I, uh….I'm…"  Lance looked away.  _'Just say it!'  _"I like being with you… you make me happy… y'know?"  he looked back to catch the other boy's reaction.

Todd was smiling.  A big grin that lit up his whole face and made his soft green eyes shine.  

Dark brown eyes danced with amusement at Todd's expression.  _'He looks so cute when he smiles.'_

They sat there for what seemed like hours.  Lost in each other's gaze, peering into the windows of the others soul.  They could have stayed that way forever, and Todd would have been happy.  What mattered most to him at that moment was that someone cared about him.  Not tolerate, or even accept him, but actually _care_ about him.  

_'Not even mom cared…'_ Todd thought, his mind drifting to more unpleasant things.  He was pulled back to the present as all his thought ceased and he watched, in slow motion, as Lance leaned in closer to him.  The older boy paused half way and tilted his head to better see the others reaction.  

Todd was still, cheeks slightly blushed, breath coming short in anticipation of the moment that would follow.  

Lance swiftly closed the distance between them, gently brushing his lips against Todd's, savouring the first intimate contact he had with the young boy.

Todd's eyes drifted shut as he focused on how soft Lance's lips were.  Soft, warm, and slightly moist.  His first real kiss, and he wanted to remember it.

He sighed contentedly and relaxed into the arms that held him, subconsciously putting his hands on the other boys shoulders.  He could hear nothing but Lance's breathing and the beating of his own heart.  Todd wanted the moment to last, so enjoying the sensations that he was experiencing that he was disappointed when Lance broke the kiss.

Todd let his eyes drift open, and looked at Lance.  "What's wrong?"  He asked, voice almost a whisper.  _'Did I do something wrong?'_  He started to pull away from Lance's embrace, but the older boy did not let go.  Instead he held the smaller body closer to him.  

"Shhhh."  Lance whispered, closing his dark eyes.

"What do you want, yo?"  Todd asked, voice as small as a child's.

"I just want… to hold you… if that's ok?"  Lance asked, a slight quiver in his voice.  He was nervous, and uncomfortable voicing his desires.  Todd gave no reply after a few moments, but rather relaxed into Lance's arms once more, resting his head on the taller boy's chest.

They sat there, for a long time, before Lance noticed that Todd's frame was resting heavily against his.  He looked closer and saw that Todd had fallen asleep; his face was now a sea of calm.

_'If only you could see yourself, man.'_  Lance chuckled as he lowered their bodies on the bed so that they could lie down comfortably.  He did not want to disturb Todd by trying to leave, so he decided that there would be no harm done by spending the night in the same room together.  He was tired after all.

He kissed Todd once more, lightly upon his slightly parted lips.  "Goodnight, Todd."  He whispered, before closing his eyes and letting sleep overtake him as well.


End file.
